Wednesday, September 14, 2016

I need to drown out the voices in my head...

I hate the quiet... I'm not good at quiet time... I'm Italian I'm loud by nature! My job has a no noise policy... it is painfully quiet here and it drives me insane. Everyone has an office here so there is no normal office banter and quite honestly I miss it! That is probably one of the very few things I do not like about this job. I miss being able to talk to someone on a daily basis. I think it is more so lately because I'm living away from home right now, so even when I go home I only have the tv to talk to... UGH! I do have a work "friend" but she is at our other location in Houston so we only "talk" over Skype messenger... LOL 

I'm seriously thinking about moving to Houston... Well I'm thinking about asking to transfer to the Houston office. Then moving to a small beach town outside of Houston.... I'm about a year away from doing that. I need to get a car, hahahaha I know, and save some money and let my youngest finish middle school where she is. We will see.... 

Now if I can get some music or something allowed up here I can drown out these voices in my head... They are getting crazy....

Image result for pictures of voices in my head

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

I need a sugar daddy... that dont want no sugar

I HATE living from paycheck to paycheck. I love my job, I make good money, I just can not afford everything I need. Meaning I still need a car but because of my credit I can not get one. I need either an actual apartment or house but because of my credit I can not get one. I have some plans in the works but I'm sooo impatient. UGH! 

Where are all the sugar daddies at... you know the ones that dont want the sugar... Probably looking for much younger girls LOL but hey I can be cute when I want to! I can be fun, as long as it is before 10pm because let's face it after 10pm I'm tired! I can be spontaneous, as long as I have some notice to give my work and kids.... wow I sound like the perfect girlfriend LOL.... oh well I guess I can take that plan off the list. 

I have been sick the last few days... pneumonia sucks. I finally gave in and went to the er last night. I'm getting better but I still feel like I was hit by a truck... not a semi anymore though just like an F150 or something... Well I wanted to pop in and tell everyone I was ok... Ok really I was bored and needed to do something other than watch the women on Maury swear up and down that he IS the father.... hehehe


Image result for maury he is not the father

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Pumpkin Spice Latte and other normal white girl things...

I hate living in Texas... I want to start doing all the fall things but doing it while I'm wearing shorts and a tank top just isnt the same.... I'm pretty sure since it is still so hot here though I can make my niecey poo who is 10 help me with some Halloween crafts this weekend... We have a big pile of scrap fence at my mom's that is screaming at me to do something crafty!! Plus I think we can start our "practice" cookies!

I have been on Pinterest ALOT lately.... so my goal this weekend is to knock out at least 5 things from my boards.... Next week I'm sure will have a post titled... Pinterest, what went wrong... Or something of that nature... stay tuned :)

I'm feeling better from yesterday. Today I'm at work with actual makeup on my face. I'm working on a 2 week plan. I am probably going to be away from my family during the week for another two weeks while I work on paying off some things. I do have a plan to stay up during that time though. I'm going to excercise because I'm starting to look old and I dont like it.... I need to drink more water... Gross but yea my face needs it. 

Today I was thinking about my dream job... Staying at home and making money from my crafts and writing and cooking/baking... So this holiday season I'm going to offer my treats for sale. We will see what happens... AS for the writing part, well if anyone is reading this besides me, tell me what you would like to see me write about. IF you want to know something about me or my life ask and I'll write about it... If you know me personally you can message me on facebook and say hey write about this or that.... Anyways we will see how this goes!!

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Karma is a sorry, sneaky, horrible, hateful, very real thing...

Ok let me get honest for a minute. Honest with myself, because lets be real I'm not sure anyone is really reading this except me! Most of my life, from about 14 on, I have been a bad person. Not always because I wanted to be, in fact for the last 5-7 years I have been working really hard to change. I guess karma doesnt care about that... or maybe that is why karma is hitting me so hard now. 

When I was 14 I decided I would go for the decidedly obvious choice of being a gangster... but why wait till I grew up! So at 14 I started running away with guys who WERE gang members. I found the absolute worst of the worst and I showed my loyalty. I memorized the crip motto, I read and re-read the book Monster by the founder of the crips. I fought. Alot. I knew every gang sign and could do them faster and better than anyone. LOL I was hard shit.... except I wasnt. My daddy was a cop, I was a white (Italian) girl from the suburbs. Sure the real hard guys wanted to be with me because they had never known anyone like me. I WAS loyal to a fault. I also never gave myself up for sex and that was not something they were used to. Do not mis interpret what I'm saying I was used. I was beat up and down and back up again. Especially once I met my kids father. He beat me daily. Like I had never been beaten before.... But the love I had for him at the time... He could do no wrong. I deserved every single thing he gave me... That lasted until I was 20 and he finally went to prison for a long time. Then I met my next kids father. He was worse. That went on until I was 25 and he went to prison for a long time. Then it was one bad guy after another... 3 to be exact. My kids ended up living with my mom, I got addicted to coke, things were really really bad.

Fast forward to about 7 years ago. I was home with my mom and kids, I was in a great job. I kicked the coke addiction without ANYONE ever knowing truly how bad it was, $700 up my nose in one night on a regular basis, and I was in church EVERY Sunday and Wednesday. I was so involved with church. I made it my life and I was so happy. Then the church disentegrated. Now do not get me wrong I do not blame the downfall of my happiness on that happening. It just so happened that all of these life events happened at the same time... I mourned that church because it WAS ME. My whole self worth was tied up in that church. I still ache to belong like that again. I lost my job. I lost my car. pretty much everything just started going bad. I did not realize it at the time but it was about to get even worse. 

I found jobs. Good jobs. Even better than what I had... but I've been job bouncing since. Not staying anywhere longer than a year. That is not good for me. I like stability. In fact I need it. Because of things in my past I have anxiety. The debilitating kind. The kind that if things change I have panic attacks. I have 4 repoed cars in my name since that time. 4 all because I have horrible credit. I'm not living at home because I dont have a car right now so I have to get to work. I miss my babies and my mama. They are my stability now. 

I guess I'm rambling now. That is not what I intended. I'm praying. Praying that I can find my purpose again. Praying that I can find an apartment that I can at least bring my babies with me to so I have some sense of stability again. Or another car... LOL that I do not see happening though... So if you are reading this send up some good vibes, thoughts, prayers. I accept all :) I know that this is MY karma. I caused it because of the bad stuff I did when I was younger... I realize I just touched on most of that but I tend to block it out because of the stuff I was going through at the time. I'm going to end this post now because I'm a bumbling mess... Thank you for reading I promise tomorrow will be lighter...

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

My Favorite Quote....

My favorite quote, most people probably would choose something that everyone knows. Something funny, witty, intelligent, something biblical, something that the world knows and has been shared a million times. I'm different. I'm sure lots of people know my quote, know who said it, and know the context it was said in... but most wont. To me this quote is simple and beautiful and it is one of the most memorable quotes that I have ever read. Every single time I read it I get goosebumps.

"This morning, with her, having coffee..." - Johnny Cash 

This was his answer when he was asked for his definition of paradise. That was his paradise. Something that was so mundane, so normal, was his paradise. He fought for that paradise. That paradise never gave up on him. She loved him unconditionally. Without judgement, just love. Can you imagine... 

So many people take love for granted. Love, true love, should be cherished. I may be old fashioned, or maybe I'm just a fool for love, but I believe that everyone has that one love that they are supposed to find and cherish. Their paradise. I do not think that many people want to take the time to find that paradise. They are too comfortable jumping fences when the grass looks greener on that side, not realizing that maybe if they watered the grass on this side it would be just as green... 

I'm not stupid or crazy, I know the story of Johnny and June. He was a drunk and a junkie who was married when they met and fell in love. He was no angel. She just loved him through it. She herself was no angel, she had been married and divorced. He was arrested numerous times. She loved him anyways. She did not fall in love with him right away like he did her. She learned to love him despite his many flaws that would have driven most women away. She learned to love him unconditionally. Forever. 

Johnny and June. Guhh :]:

Friday, September 2, 2016

10 Things About Me....

So I decided I would give you 10 things about me... Some may be interesting and some... well you may just be like WTF... So here goes....

1. I absolutely LOVE fall/winter!! Not just because I can stop being depressed about my very UN-Summer ready body either! I LOVE all of the holidays that come with the fall and winter, I love cooking for each of those holidays, and having my kids friends and my friends over for them! 
** PLUS HELLO PUMPKIN SPICE EVERYTHING**

2. I am very old fashioned in alot of my beliefs and values. Dont get me wrong I have a lot of not so old fashioned things about me, I have tattoos and plans for more, but there is something about the whole 50-70's era that touches my soul. From the music to the clothes to the way of life... They can keep the mayo jello moldy things though...

3. I'm a HUGE nostalgia girl! Ok I'm a huge girl period, and maybe this goes with #2 but if something is nostalgic to me I hold on to it... Hello New Kids on the Block EVERYTHING...

4. Everyone of my kids has a disability. Not the kind you can see, but each of my little monsters, I mean angels, got that lovely trait from me. It runs the gamut from depression to anxiety to bi-polar... sad but true

5. I have more guilt than a Catholic and a Jewish grandmother put together. Guilt over EVERYTHING! Maybe it is the Italian in me...

6. I LOVE TO COOK and I absolutely plan on incorporating some of that into this blog... at some point....

7. I'm social... as long as it is on my terms.... I dislike strongly going out to clubs or places with millions of people alone... but I like having people over or going places with a few friends. 

8. I believe that EVERYONE deserves another chance. EVEN if it is the 20th one because everyone has the ability to change! Sometimes it takes a person longer to realize what they want, or what change they need to make. I will ALWAYS give people another chance.

9. I have the worlds WORST case of anxiety. It is part of what makes me me... I've had a lot of trauma and disappointment in my life, I've been abused, kidnapped, left for dead, beaten senseless, robbed, and a lot of other things. Some of these situations I could have avoided others I could not. What I have now is an overwhelming sense of anxiety about the most normal day to day activities. Even waking up in the morning and driving to work after the sun comes up takes alot of effort for me. I would rather drive in the dark... 

10. I believe in LOVE. Everything about it. I believe that everyone has a soul mate, someone that they were meant to find and love and be with. I am not going to give up on finding that person. I love the Greek mythology saying that humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts condemning them to a life searching for their other half... that other half is out there... somewhere

Image result for greek mythology about soulmates



Thursday, September 1, 2016

All About Me....


I'm starting over... Fresh, new, clean slate... Dont worry I'll fuck it up soon enough but for now.... New Fresh Clean Slate :)

I'm introducing myself here: I'm Micaela, or Mia for short. I'm a 30+ year old mom, SINGLE MOM, VERY SINGLE... mother of 4 teenage monsters, one mimi to THE MOST AMAZING little princess, AND favorite aunt (duh) of three little angels... This blog is to, hopefully, keep me sane by releasing some stress, did I mention I'm single, and talking about things I dont like to talk about with people.... Cause you know the internets are sooo friendly ;)

This is about my life, the good, the bad, and the VERY ugly at times... Like ugly cry ugly... this is me, my posts will be as random as my life itself...