Ok let me get honest for a minute. Honest with myself, because lets be real I'm not sure anyone is really reading this except me! Most of my life, from about 14 on, I have been a bad person. Not always because I wanted to be, in fact for the last 5-7 years I have been working really hard to change. I guess karma doesnt care about that... or maybe that is why karma is hitting me so hard now.
When I was 14 I decided I would go for the decidedly obvious choice of being a gangster... but why wait till I grew up! So at 14 I started running away with guys who WERE gang members. I found the absolute worst of the worst and I showed my loyalty. I memorized the crip motto, I read and re-read the book Monster by the founder of the crips. I fought. Alot. I knew every gang sign and could do them faster and better than anyone. LOL I was hard shit.... except I wasnt. My daddy was a cop, I was a white (Italian) girl from the suburbs. Sure the real hard guys wanted to be with me because they had never known anyone like me. I WAS loyal to a fault. I also never gave myself up for sex and that was not something they were used to. Do not mis interpret what I'm saying I was used. I was beat up and down and back up again. Especially once I met my kids father. He beat me daily. Like I had never been beaten before.... But the love I had for him at the time... He could do no wrong. I deserved every single thing he gave me... That lasted until I was 20 and he finally went to prison for a long time. Then I met my next kids father. He was worse. That went on until I was 25 and he went to prison for a long time. Then it was one bad guy after another... 3 to be exact. My kids ended up living with my mom, I got addicted to coke, things were really really bad.
Fast forward to about 7 years ago. I was home with my mom and kids, I was in a great job. I kicked the coke addiction without ANYONE ever knowing truly how bad it was, $700 up my nose in one night on a regular basis, and I was in church EVERY Sunday and Wednesday. I was so involved with church. I made it my life and I was so happy. Then the church disentegrated. Now do not get me wrong I do not blame the downfall of my happiness on that happening. It just so happened that all of these life events happened at the same time... I mourned that church because it WAS ME. My whole self worth was tied up in that church. I still ache to belong like that again. I lost my job. I lost my car. pretty much everything just started going bad. I did not realize it at the time but it was about to get even worse.
I found jobs. Good jobs. Even better than what I had... but I've been job bouncing since. Not staying anywhere longer than a year. That is not good for me. I like stability. In fact I need it. Because of things in my past I have anxiety. The debilitating kind. The kind that if things change I have panic attacks. I have 4 repoed cars in my name since that time. 4 all because I have horrible credit. I'm not living at home because I dont have a car right now so I have to get to work. I miss my babies and my mama. They are my stability now.
I guess I'm rambling now. That is not what I intended. I'm praying. Praying that I can find my purpose again. Praying that I can find an apartment that I can at least bring my babies with me to so I have some sense of stability again. Or another car... LOL that I do not see happening though... So if you are reading this send up some good vibes, thoughts, prayers. I accept all :) I know that this is MY karma. I caused it because of the bad stuff I did when I was younger... I realize I just touched on most of that but I tend to block it out because of the stuff I was going through at the time. I'm going to end this post now because I'm a bumbling mess... Thank you for reading I promise tomorrow will be lighter...